Hunker Down

Well, Sandy's here. Oh no... she's almost here. Just windy and rainy outside. I even went out this morning. But, I think I'll stay safe and sound from here on out.

School was cancelled for tomorrow too. So now I've got a lovely 4 day weekend on my hands. But I still have to do a ton of work. And obviously I've yet to start that. I feel that something will happen this afternoon.

I really hope my power stays on. I'm worried it won't and that'll suck.

Also, this storm has gotten me progressively more depressed. I've been talking myself into eating all sorts of things that are bad for me because... well, you know, it's the end of the world, right? So what does it matter?

And then I hate myself after I eat it all. Which has led to my thinking about how no one will ever love me. (I know I'm over dramatic, but this is how my brain makes me feel. Sorry 'bout it.) I know that I'll always have friends that care about me and are there for me, but my desire to have a singular person to be connected to in a more intimate way (for longer than a drunken evening) has been ramping up majorly inside me.

Another problem I've been having - this one really being more of a life long thing -  is that I hate myself for feeling these ways. And I don't think it's justified for me to feel like this. Because intellectually, I understand that there are people with so many other problems, so many bigger problems. And like, here I am, whining about no one loving me. Like Boo Hoo. Who gives two craps?

I also recognize the fact that apparently I am attractive to people, considering some of them keep deciding to do me, or at least make out with me. So, I should feel good about myself because of that right? Well, yeah I do. It's nice to know that someone wants to do those things with me - for whatever reason - and for however long - but when every single time it is so quickly taken away from me, it just sucks even more. What am I doing wrong with every single person?

This is also what makes me believe that I'm boring. Of the guys I've been with, a whopping... none have known me in a more personal way prior to us being together. So, it seems the attraction is purely physical and then I start talking and they retreat.

So yes... this storm. It seems to be fucking with my brain. But is it really the storm? Or is that just my excuse?

Anywho... Hopefully we live to see another day and Sandy doesn't eat us all for dinner.