So, I should be doing hw, but I'll get it done later tonight. (also.. I didn't end up going to rehearsal, because it got cancelled, so I'll contemplate Duncan's death another day.)
I'm posting in the blawg a whole lot lately! This particular post comes out of the want to express my feelings. Because they are all over the place today. Emoting and all- maggie would be proud. But I'm not really emoting, just flipping out inside my brain.
I don't know... today began. I went to class, sat with my friends, had a fine time. Then we dispersed instead of going to lunch as we usually do which was good cuz i had to print 35 copies of notes for my other class. and then i went and did a tiny bit of work before that class. Then I went to Solo Performance and sat through it without talking once again. He really hates me cuz I dont talk but it's because of who i am and how he runs his class. If you want to say something, you have to sit there with your hand raised fully into the air for about 10 mins before he takes a pause in his ramblings to call on someone. Don't get me wrong. I think what we talk about and what he has to say are very interesting, but I have always lived by the rule of "If you have your hand raised while someone else is talking, you aren't really listening to what they are saying because you are just thinking about what you have to say" and I feel like that's true. And so I won't sit there with my hand suspended above my head for however the hell long it might be up there. It makes me feel uncomfortable and it's not how I operate, but he will continue to hate me and never call on me because I dont do that. So that'll be great. So that frustrates me.
Then I left that class and went to the Tisch student lounge to do some work while I waited for that rehearsal that didnt end up happening. and I got stuff done which is good. I am fairly observant about the people who are around me, but pretend I'm not cuz... I don't know I never want to talk to people. or no... that's not true. I just dont want them to think I'm a creepy stalker, because let's face it, more times than not, I basically am. And with some people, I just flat out am.
But anyhow... so there were some PHTS folk that I know but always assume don't know or care about me, so I noted their presence but figured they didnt note mine. Then one of them, a director that called me back for her show but then I didn't get in. (It's a dance show, no big shocker there) But she came over and sat near me and said "Hey Bryan!"which was a complete surprise to me! Figured there was no way she remembers who I am- she also is good friends with #MyFav so I always assume she thinks Im a super creep. And she was just saying hello which is nice.
So that was nice, but then I was sitting there re-thinking about how I didn't get into her show or any show for that matter and how I probably just suck at life and won't ever succeed in this business. I dont think I work hard enough.... So that kinda bummed me out. But you know, it was me bumming myself out, so I could have not done that, but I did. - This happens a lot. A very lot. About a multitude of things.
But I wasn't that distraught over it and I now didnt have rehearsal, so I was gonna go home and get some shit done and be a good student. But I was mad hungry so when I got home I had food. I was a super fat kid over the past week and weekend, and Monday and Tuesday, so yesterday I set myself back on my ways of not eating all the food known to man. So I had my stouffers lasanga that should have been all that I ate for the rest of the day, but I was all pissy, so I decided it would be a good idea to have a bagel. So I had one. and then another, and then another and then I finished one sleeve of them and then I kept going and had three more. And then I ran out of cream cheese to put on them so I was halted. And then I hated myself.
Seems like a lot all because I saw that director girl in the student lounge eh? Well, in my first class today we talked about children of divorce. So I got all flustered because - my parents arent divorced, nor do i think they ever will be, but I thought what it might be like if they were. And we also were talking about how children of divorce have a more difficult time in intimate relationships later on in life. And so then I was thinking about my interests. And taking the advice of my friend Amanda from my blog post from last night, I decided to text one. The one I hooked up with a couple weekends ago. Because I like him (its National Coming Out day, so why in the hell not - I mean basically everyone already knows, and probably, since I assume only Amanda and Lisa read this thing, they already know. If you are not Amanda or Lisa and you did not know, well today's your lucky day ain't it?). So I texted him and didnt get a response for a while. Understandable- could have been in class. But eventually I did. And things went VERY well the night I met him - and then subsequently the morning after. And then there was good texting for a while, but lately things haven't been so back and forth, which in its way is good cuz otherwise, you run out of things to say. But so I mentioned wanting to see him again and that part of my text was ignored.
SO... as I was stuffing my face with bagel after bagel, I was perpetually thinking about how any romantic endeavor (i wont call them relationships, because I have yet to have one of those) I have had has seemed to start off real good and then I stay interested but the other guy doesnt. It's happened over and over. I use the hashtags because using names is a bit awks - #PHTSFriend #MysteryFriend #IntoTheWoodsFriend and now #SparrowFriend. #BOSTON seems to be fine, its just a matter of well, Boston vs NYC. hard to bridge that gap.
And I'll be honest - I've come to realize that either I am more attractive when I am drunk or I am more attractive when others are drunk. Both PHTS and Sparrow have been drunken encounters and then Sober Bryan still likes Sober D and R, but sober D and R quickly lose interest in sober bryan. Though i have had interactions with D after we were totally donezo and it seems to have sparked a little something, but then it died out real quick. So maybe it it just that I need to physically be with these people. Too bad I'm so fucking busy. Oh no wait... I'm not that busy - I'm in NO SHOWS.
So this is what's been going on in my brain this afternoon. Congrats if you got through it all. And special congrats if you followed what in the hell I was talking about.
My life is in shambles.
How bout yours?
Your life may seem to be in shambles to you, but it really is exactly what it should be as a college student. You're just figuring it all out, you know? It all sounds so very familiar, except in the olden days, we didn't have to decipher texts, and barely even emails back when I was in college. We just had to wait for the phone to ring - and I somehow think that was less stressful. All the communication we have today is really great in some ways, but it other ways it is not, especially for those of us who can be obsessive (I include myself in that). Anyway, now I want a bagel. Also, stop calling yourself fat.
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